Classless Ascension-Novel

Chapter 97: The Legendary Burger-Man!

It was time to begin operation PTSD. What did that imply?

Well, the main issue that Josh faced was that the friendly mushroom was life-challenged. This shroom seemed to be the incarnation of "when life gives you lemons you choke on them and die". Yes, it was that bad!

Was it even possible to teach survival skills to an NPC? Josh didn't know but he would try for sure. It was time to do some Practical Training to See Dangers, PTSD for short. Of course, the act of running away from them was implied. Well, this shroom had the running part figured out, it just had to run in the right direction.

Now, how would Josh make a vegetable (almost) understand the concept of role-playing for training? He couldn't even communicate with the thing. It would be hard to make it realize what the whole concept was.

How was he to resolve such a conundrum? Well, he would use a simple but proven tactic: to beat it up till it goddamn learned. He would do so in such a savage manner that back on Earth it would have potentially been the impetus for the creation of 'the People for Ethical Treatment of Shrooms' (PETS for short).

Now, at first glance, making your protection target fear you didn't seem like the smartest idea. Thus, Josh needed a method to make sure the creature wouldn't confuse roleplaying Josh with the usual Josh.

That's how came into being the wonderful and amazing Burger Man!

After wearing the cosmetic mask from the Alter Tower, Josh was nowhere to be seen. The item showed as equipped on his status screen but he himself couldn't see it. Was this a real-life and real-time face filter? Weird, but kinda cool.

Thus, the Burger-Man (totally not Josh)? began enthusiastically beating the living shit out of the very target he was supposed to protect. While he did so, he even shared his "totally not fake" origin story in a passionate tone. Every word of it was accompanied by a kick, a slap, a punch, or a chop.

Burger-Man's past was marked by two incredible traumas.

As a young kid, he got stuck in a trash bin at the Golden Arches Burger Joint (M). He had spent an entire day stuck there showered in burger leftovers.

How could they do that to a child?! Why had no one come to change the garbage bag?! Why were people throwing perfectly good burger leftovers?!

As he lay there crying, his only consolation was that the ice cream machine was broken, thus saving him from having that thrown in too.

His other trauma was almost as scarring. It was the murder of his parents. They had decided to bring him to the opera, but they were broke so they settled for a Kanye Quest concert. As they exited the venue into a dark alley (for some reason), disaster struck.

There was a robber wearing cheap jeans. He had a gun but was lacking a belt. It could be seen by how low his pants were hanging. Sadly the tense situation quickly escalated as the man misfired his Glock, 16 times in a row. The murderer then left running, leaving a sad orphan behind.

He cried and swore he'd bring the man to justice. He did as any orphan would have done. He decided to train in a monastery at the very top of an icy mountain with an old guy that would secretly be the chief of a shadowy league. But that seemed like too much of a pain after further consideration.

He then went back to the scene of his biggest trauma and learned to fight along with the wild savage seagulls. He had to fight with the mighty creatures for leftovers and thus he attained strength. He then came back as Burger-Man, using his very own fear against his enemies in his quest for justice—or some bullshit like that.

The shroom was now utterly terrified, so much that it would begin running a soon as Josh equipped the mask. Funny enough, he only had to remove it for the friendly shroom to run back to him. Thus the PTSD plan came to fruition, just in time.

As the assassins appeared, they had the surprise to witness a previously slow target running faster than an Olympic sprint medalist, or so it seemed. Josh simply had fun. Lots of fun.

Honestly, this would have been so much easier if the shroom didn't have to avoid the poison. Josh could have simply strapped it on his back and be done with it. Oh well, he was lucky to be immune himself.

As he kept going, more assassins spawned and Josh dealt with them all. Fun fact, after a while had passed, the enemies started showing adaptability. Yes, their behavior had changed slightly. They changed their priority. They went from chasing the shroom to running away from Josh.

Was that intentional from the Tower Protocol? In any case, perhaps one day Josh would be able to simply part a sea of monsters just by showing up. He couldn't help but feel excited at that prospect. How epic would that be? Very!

Before long, he stood in the clearing ready to face the Boss. Would it be different this time around? The many shrooms rose once more as one colossal deadly-looking monster. But this time it had definitely evolved.

<Big Fungus The Massive Destroyer Lv 26??>

The previous basic shroom Boss was nowhere to be seen. Apparently, the Destroyer part meant it now had limbs. Well, two utterly gigantic stumps that it swung around like big hammers. It also seemed to be hopping around faster.

Josh kept dodging the slams that sent reverberations across the entire surroundings and created craters. Any random hit would have instantly caused his doom for sure. It towered over him, screaming and bashing while Josh kept slowly slicing parts of it.

So far it seemed way easier than the spider fight, for Josh could damage it easily and it was slower. But he had the feeling it wouldn't stay that way. Soon, the Boss began invoking helpers through its peculiar projectile based-method.

This time around, there were two groups instead of one. Josh could handle it and soon had decimated both. That is when the Boss resolved to use its poison attack. I stayed rooted on the spot as it opened its gargantuan mouth.

Then, the poison began spreading everywhere around. Normally, the friendly shroom would have definitely died. The usual range it spectated the battle wasn't far enough from it. But this time it actually survived, for Josh was wearing his burger mask. It wasn't about to go anywhere near this freak!

Yes, it was more scared of Josh than it was of a giant monstrosity. Josh was apprehensive a bit at first, wondering if the mist would be more potent. But, luckily, it seemed like he had been worried for nothing.

Josh went in for the kill. He began hacking away the hapless target. He was doing extreme damage, at an unbelievable rate. The fight would soon be over. Just as he was about to finish the creature, Josh felt an insane threat.

He retreated as fast as he could, as he saw the mouth of the creature transform. The gaping maw suddenly came to life. Each of the 72 teeth inside began wriggling crazily akin to living nightmares before extending.

It reminded him of sharp tentacles as it all struck as fast as lightning. Of course, Josh dodged…or tried. This was even deadlier than the Golem Boss attack. The end result? Josh could feel the stinging of his flesh as many of the teeth sunk into his body. He lost all mobility instantly.

Should the fight keep going, he would die with certainty. He now had two options. He could try for one final attack using the remainder of his strength. The other option was to retreat, heal and try again later.

Was the Boss about to die? It looked like it was. Did it have another trump card? Possibly. What would a powerful heroic character do? Remain and fight, obviously!

That is when the Boss started moving once again. It eyed its now unmoving prey and charged at it. The human had clearly been almost fatally injured and couldn't move. The Boss happily raised its stump sky high before driving it downward with incredible momentum.

The small human closed his eyes. He probably could feel that death was coming and couldn't even face it courageously. Ah, there was one thing weird, however. The human didn't have the same face as earlier. Still, it wouldn't care about such detail as it crushed him thoroughly.

It then went back to its slumber. The annoying human was no more….