Hellbound With You (WN)

This chapter ia dedicated to @_Basia_! Thank you so much for the supergift!

It was the most painful laughter Alicia had ever heard in her entire life.

When the laughter faded, he slapped his palm over his eyes in an instant.

"Fuck!" he cursed under his breath. "I messed up… I'm…"

"I'm sorry." Alicia did not know what to say. She was panicking internally. "I swear didn't mean to see… you can erase it. It's fine with me. You can erase the memories that I saw." Alicia chattered on in her nervousness.

Ezekiel stared at her, surprise gleaming in his eyes.

She felt a sharp sting in her chest and throat next. Because she realized that he must be thinking she would want the memories erased because she could not stand knowing about them, that she was so disgusted she wanted nothing to do with them. She also felt like he might have as well just told her himself through those eyes of his, the words 'of course, any sane person would never want to see even a glimpse of that'.

It was like she could read him and feel his every emotions right now. Was it because of what had just happened? Was this how he had been experiencing her own emotional fluctuations all this while?

"No. You're wrong." Alicia's firm voice suddenly rang out as she shook her head before he could say anything. "I didn't see it. It stopped before you could reach her." she said honestly, knowing that there was no point lying to herself and to him at this point. "But I know you don't want me to see any of that, right?" her voice lowered. "You omitted the details while telling me about it. So I know you don't want anyone to know, much less see any of it." she could still feel the goosebumps prickling all over her skin at the memory of how that woman looked sprawled out naked on the bed.

Their eyes held. Then he tore his gaze off hers with much difficulty.

"Yes. I never wanted you to see any of those fucked up things." He nodded solemnly. His voice was composed now but she could see the veins bulging in his neck, telling her that even right now, he was still fighting damned hard for that precious composure he usually had. "That's why I was trying to tell you. I know that if I tell you everything, you'd understand. I want to explain everything to you, so you'd calm down. I was trying to have your emotions stabilize because I am starting to lose my grip on myself. Your impact on me is too strong that my defences are just crumbling down no matter how much I try to rebuild them. You just smash them down so easily. And I can't do nothing but rebuild the walls over and over. Because if I give in, I know you will invade me and see everything inside of me. Everything I never wanted you to see."

He returned his gaze to hers and an ironic smile tugged at the corner of his lips. "I have underestimated you, Alicia. I thought I can survive you until the deadline… but I guess you've proven me wrong." A small disbelieving chuckle escaped his lips.

"Survive… me?" she echoed softly. Her head slightly cocked to the side, not quite understanding what he meant.

"Your assault on my composure. You're like a stubborn wrecking ball, Alicia. This power I'm using to keep you alive will give you the ability to feel my emotions too, not just the other way around. You will feel when I lie and will be able to read my exact thoughts. And even… see my memories. That is the consequence of this power I'm using on you. But I was initially confident that I would be able to block you out. I was confident you can't beat my shield. I was confident that no one could ever… crumble my walls down." He shook his head, smiling slightly as if mocking himself for being so naïve.

"I was naïve. The moment I touched you, I knew it will be one long bloody battle. But never have I thought I wouldn't even last a freaking week. So, I… I surrendered. I never surrender. But you made me. I chose to surrender rather than have you see all of my fucked up past. Before you start to see everything, I surrendered and decided to tell you the truth instead. But it seems that even that barely solved the problem because you still ended up getting a glimpse of it."

Alicia pressed her lips together as they began to wobble.

"Why?" Alicia tried her best to stay composed. "Why didn't you just let go of me? Is it because of the thing you want from me? Is the thing you want from me worth the amount of your suffering in keeping me here with you?"

"Yes." He did not even hesitate before answering her. "But I won't really call all of this as suffering. I just can't let you see any of those."

"Why? You think I will think of you as disgusting?" she asked him, curious to know what he thought.

His lips twisted a little. "No, Alicia. I used to be so disgusted at myself for countless of years so it wouldn't even surprise me if I'm disgusting to someone. Just that… there is no need for you to see it, such filth. You don't deserve to see all those… you didn't do anything to deserve seeing that twisted scenes that must be worse than hell itself."

Alicia felt her insides churned and shiver. The way he said it, she could tell what she saw was just hardly a single drop from a full bucket of water. She just knew it was probably more than what normal minds could handle because why else did that witch queen's memories got erased completely? Even when she was dead and was supposed to see things living witches could not, she had never come across this.

It only meant one thing. And she did not need any more explanations to understand the reasons why.

"So, the reason why you…" Alicia swallowed, unsure whether to continue. But she wanted to know his answer about this even though the answer might...

She breathed and clenched her fists tight. "You always held back with me because, I reminded you of… her, right?"