Keyboard Immortal

Chapter 18: I Won’t Agree to it Unless You Write it Down

Translator: Pika

Zu An smiled sheepishly. “Bro, you can’t blame me for that.”

“Screw you!” Blood spurted from between Plum Blossom Twelve’s legs, and he blacked out once again.

You have successfully trolled Plum Blossom Twelve for 999 Rage points!

Despite the current turn of events, Zu An only acquired 999 Rage points. It seemed there was a hard cap to how many Rage points could be earned for a single successful troll.

“Awoooo~”

From afar, the howling of a wild beast could be heard. Zu An slipped behind a large rock and peeked around the corner, scanning the valley ahead of him. He saw some gray shadows moving about. Most likely, these were the legendary Assrip Wolves.

He thought about the task that brought him here, and a plan began to form in his mind.

...

When Plum Blossom Twelve awoke once more, he found that he was no longer tied to a tree, and he was overwhelmed with joy. Had it all been just a nightmare?

He glanced downwards.

You have successfully trolled Plum Blossom Twelve for 233 Rage points!

Zu An was starting to feel sorry. At this rate, Plum Blossom Twelve would go bald from stress before he reached his forties. “Don’t get too agitated. I helped you bandage your wound earlier. If it were to open up once more, even the deities wouldn’t be able to save you!”

Plum Blossom Twelve looked upward, towards the source of the voice. A steep slope led up from where he was to where Zu An was. The brat was squatting nonchalantly at the lip, looking down at him. Another surge of anger overcame him, and he bellowed, “You piece of shit! I’ll kill you!”

You have successfully trolled Plum Blossom Twelve for 333 Rage points!

He dashed up the slope, ignoring the sudden surge of pain coming from between his legs that caused his eyes to redden. Just as he was about to reach his target, a swift kick sent him tumbling down once more.

You have successfully trolled Plum Blossom Twelve for 28 Rage points!

“How can this be?” Plum Blossom Twelve was shocked. He was convinced that he’d suffered defeat the last time because he’d been caught off guard. But now, he’d been overpowered in a direct confrontation. Could Zu An’s cultivation really be higher than his own?

“I’d advise you to save up your strength. You’ll have a hard time dealing with the Assrip Wolves, otherwise,” Zu An counseled him.

“What do you mean?” Plum Blossom Twelve asked with a sense of foreboding. He heard low growling all around him, and noticed some Assrip Wolves circling him, drawn by the scent of blood. It dawned on him that he was standing smack in the middle of the Wolf Valley.

“Fuck!”

You have successfully trolled Plum Blossom Twelve for 367 Rage points!

Plum Blossom Twelve’s first instinct was to run up the slope. Assrip Wolves were in the second rank, but he was faced with a half-dozen of them. He wouldn’t dare tangle with them while in peak condition, let alone now, when he was severely injured.

But Zu An towered over him, a fearsome obstacle blocking his path to safety. “Don’t waste your strength; you’ll never get past me. However, if you help me gather ten goubaos, I’ll pull you up.”

Zu An finally got a good look at the feared Assrip Wolves. They had black fur with white stripes on their backs, though the fur around their stomach was yellowish-brown in color. Their ears were long and sharp. They shared the same shape as the wolves in his previous life, but they were about the size of a spotted hyena.

“You bastard! You said you’d let me off if I answered your questions earlier!” Plum Blossom Twelve gritted his teeth in fury.

You have successfully trolled Plum Blossom Twelve for 100 Rage points!

“I only said I’d consider it,” Zu An countered indignantly.

“How much longer do you need to consider?!” Plum Blossom Twelve did not dare look up at Zu An. He eyed the approaching Assrip Wolves warily. He knew that one small slip would be the end of him.

Zu An replied, “I’m done considering. I figured it would be a pity to kill you right away. Instead, I’ll squeeze whatever remaining value I can out of you.” He had never seen the Assrip Wolves in action before, so he had no idea how powerful they were. It was best to have Plum Blossom Twelve take them on first.

Plum Blossom Twelve had no words.

What sins did I commit in my previous life to encounter such a shameless fellow?

You have successfully trolled Plum Blossom Twelve for 666 Rage points!

Zu An looked at the Rage he had accumulated in the system, and was truly impressed. This was much more than what he had earned from his encounter with Chu Huanzhao.

“Life is very precious. Even if you have lost your treasure, there are still other joys in life to indulge in. Not everything has to be about sex.” Zu An hoped his words of consolation would motivate Plum Blossom Twelve. It would make his task more difficult if Plum Blossom Twelve gave up without a fight. “How about this? As long as you can obtain a single goubao, I’ll save you right away!”

Plum Blossom Twelve was heartened by this, but he quickly remembered how Zu An had reneged on his previous promise.

“I won’t take your word for it! I demand you write me a contract.”

It was hard to watch a strong, hard man like Plum Blossom Twelve on the brink of tears.

“Where the hell am I going to find paper?” Zu An grumbled. “How about this instead? I swear that if I go against my words, for a month, I shall... Gah, that’s not right. For three days, I won’t be able to raise my flagpole!”

Zu An figured that, given his current condition, this was a harmless promise. No matter how formidable Divine Physician Ji is, there’s no way he could cure me in just a few days anyway... Oh dear, why do I feel like crying all of a sudden?

Plum Blossom Twelve was overjoyed. The vows and contracts made in this world carried binding power, and breaking them would invite swift retribution. Since Zu An dared to make such a promise, there could be no doubting his sincerity. It was just that the duration was a little...

“No, that won’t do. You must swear that you won’t be able to raise it up for an entire lifetime!”

Zu An flew into a rage. “Screw you! Think about just how beautiful my wife is! Isn’t it bad enough not to be able to have relations with her for three days? The most I’ll go is seven days. No more haggling!”

Plum Blossom Twelve thought Zu An’s argument extremely convincing. If he had a wife as beautiful as the First Miss of the Chu clan, he would want to spend all day in bed. Not being able to perform for seven days would be a nightmarish curse for Zu An.

Of course, Plum Blossom Twelve was not privy to the fact that Zu An was forbidden from even entering the room of the First Miss.

“Alright, it’s a deal then!”

Plum Blossom Twelve pulled himself together, and a fighting spirit blazed in his eyes. Retrieving one goubao was not a hopeless endeavor. Once he returned to the city, he would have his godfather and his twelve godbrothers exact vengeance for him. He was determined to turn this repugnant fellow into minced meat no matter what!

There were no kind-hearted souls amongst the Thirteen Guardians of Plum Blossom. Only those who were vicious and tenacious could rise to such a position. With a snarl, Plum Blossom Twelve tore away the sleeves of his shirt and used the fabric to secure his wounded crotch.

In a flash, the Assrip Wolves launched themselves at him. Three of them mounted a frontal assault while the other three tried to blindside him from the rear. action

Zu An felt a chill run down his spine. The Assrip Wolves were much more agile than he had anticipated, and their hides looked pretty thick. Plum Blossom Twelve was a cultivator at the third step of the second rank, who wielded enough power to shatter a tree trunk with a single punch. Yet, these wolves shrugged off his blows with nothing more than a howl of rage.

Plum Blossom Twelve sent an Assrip Wolf flying with a heavy punch, but was immediately put on the defensive as another beast lunged at him from behind. His brow furrowed with intense concentration, eyes darting around as he tried to keep track of all his opponents at once. “Damn it! If I’m to collect goubaos for you, don’t you think you should at least let me have my dagger?”

You have successfully trolled Plum Blossom Twelve for 187 Rage points!

“Catch!” Zu An shouted as he flipped the dagger towards the besieged assassin. He wasn’t concerned that Plum Blossom Twelve might take the opportunity to attack him. There was no way he would be able to shake off the half-dozen bloodthirsty beasts long enough to make it up the slope.

Plum Blossom Twelve had waged countless battles in his brutal and bloody ascent to the position of the Thirteen Guardians. His moves weren’t flashy, but every single one of them was direct and practical.

He willingly suffered non-threatening injuries in order to deal heavy blows to the attacking Assrip Wolves, all the while protecting his vital organs.

“Ah, so the belly is the major weak spot of these Assrip Wolves.” Plum Blossom Twelve ignored the heads and necks of the Assrip Wolves, opting to create openings to plunge his dagger into their bellies instead.

The instincts that gave the Assrip Wolves their name also made the fight easier for Plum Blossom Twelve. They could have easily overpowered him by attacking from different angles, but they seemed compelled to circle behind him and target his backside.

Exploiting this predictable pattern, Plum Blossom Twelve managed to kill all six wolves, though the fight had taken an immense toll on him. He collapsed to the ground in exhaustion, covered in numerous bites and deep gashes. “Hurry and pull me up!” Plum Blossom Twelve demanded. The last Assrip Wolf had let out an ominous howl as it died, no doubt summoning its comrades to avenge it. It wouldn’t be long before more Assrip Wolves appeared.

“You haven’t fulfilled your end of the bargain. Where’s my goubao?” Zu An asked, still squatting leisurely at the lip of the slope.

“Screw you!”

You have successfully trolled Plum Blossom Twelve for 78 Rage points!

Plum Blossom Twelve was irate, but he did not hesitate. He quickly disemboweled the six Assrip Wolf carcasses and searched their stomachs thoroughly. He almost gagged at the stench, but soldiered on bravely.

As he fumbled around he felt a hard, elliptical object, and his face lit up in joy. “Hahaha, I found it! I found it!”

“Awoooo~”

The overwhelming scent of fresh blood had drawn the rest of the Assrip Wolf pack like flies to rotting food. Out in front was a wolf that was much larger than any other—that was clearly the pack leader.

“Hurry and pull me up!” Plum Blossom Twelve repeated, panic in his voice.

Zu An, however, was in no hurry. He thought for a moment, then demanded, “Throw me the goubao first.”

“Hell no! What’s stopping you from betraying me once I throw it to you?” Plum Blossom Twelve was no fool.

Zu An was offended. “Are you questioning my character? Didn’t I make a serious vow earlier? Throw the goubao to me, quickly! If you continue dilly-dallying, the other Assrip Wolves will be upon you before you know it.”

From Zu An’s vantage point, he saw the Assrip Wolves racing across the valley floor. They would arrive in less than a minute. Left with no choice, Plum Blossom Twelve tossed the goubao to Zu An.

“Quick, pull me up!”

Zu An slipped the goubao into his bag. He fished out the rope he had used to restrain Plum Blossom Twelve, and tossed one end down into the valley. “Here, grab it.”

Plum Blossom Twelve tried grabbing the rope, but it was several meters too short. He couldn’t reach it even if he jumped. His anger almost eclipsed his fear of the approaching wolves. “Are you toying with me?”

You have successfully trolled Plum Blossom Twelve for 144 Rage points!

“Ah!” Zu An exclaimed in astonishment. “How was I to know that the rope would not be long enough? You should have prepared a longer rope for situations like these!”

Plum Blossom Twelve was so infuriated, he was on the verge of losing his mind. “Can’t you just take a few steps down this slope?”

You have successfully trolled Plum Blossom Twelve for 500 Rage points!

Zu An shook his head vehemently. “I can’t. I’m afraid of those Assrip Wolves. What if I slip?”

It was clear as day to Plum Blossom Twelve—Zu An had no intention of saving him. “But you swore on it! Do you know the consequences of breaking your oath?”

Zu An shrugged nonchalantly. “I vowed to save you, but I didn’t promise that I would be successful. I’ve already done my part. You’re the one who can’t reach the rope. How could you blame me for it?”