Omniscient First-Person’s Viewpoint

༺ I Said It’s Fake News! ༻

A bombshell.

This fake news, unbeknownst to the sky, the earth, the Captain, and even to me until just 10 seconds ago, momentarily rendered the Captain speechless. Her thoughts turned white and she trembled subconsciously at the shocking news, her mouth agape and shoulders twitching.

Seizing the short moment of the Captain’s bewilderment, I concocted a story on the spot.

“Paradoxically, it was in the harsh labor camp, where life expectancy diminishes, that I had a fateful encounter with Bbey. Wow, I heard labor camps were tough, but I nearly died several times. Despite the exhaustion and hardship, there was someone who consistently called me Oppa. Nehru, you might not be aware, but men are suckers for being called Oppa.”

“I’m well aware of that, Darling.”

“The term Darling seemed a bit outdated. Well, I guess you know that, so you’re probably saying it on purpose.”

“What?”

Ignoring Nehru, who blazed up in anger even during all this, I placed my hand on the Captain’s stiff shoulder.

The Captain, who had been sitting up straight with her fists on her knees, jolted at my touch.

“Anyway, after a while of that, this is how it…turned out, I suppose.”

Even me, the creator of this story, felt like it was far too hastily made up.

I met eyes with the Captain. Her eyes, widened in shock, seemed ready to brim with tears at any moment.

｢Negative! This is a result of coercion! How much longer are you planning to milk this!｣

Yet, the Captain could not respond promptly to my fake news. Before speaking, she had to consider whether her words would reveal any confidential information about her identity.

Truth was singular, but lies, propaganda, and fabrications were endless. I just had to choose the sweetest of these infinite lies.

Propaganda and fabrication were momentary, but rectifying them took that much longer.

“After finishing my labor, we ended up returning to Amitengrad together, and it was there, meeting a robber, that we quickly became close.”

Nehru frowned deeply at the sudden romance story that barged uninvited into our conversation.

｢What? What kind of ludicrous is this? Weren’t you just about to talk about the Taboo of the Military State?｣

Yep, it’s strange, isn’t it?

You should notice, Nehru, being an information dealer and all. How absurd this story is.

Just follow along for now. Let’s embarrass the Captain, send her off, and continue our conversation.

｢…But it’s a good news peg! A scandal between the Magician and a military officer could be sold to our secret members!｣

No, what? Don’t actually start gathering news material. Weren’t we just talking about the Taboo of the Military State? Is this your occupational hazard?

At any rate, secret members? What in the world is that? And why would this story sell?

Agh, forget it. Let’s send off the Captain for now and clarify things. If the Captain, who does not tolerate falsehoods, stays, it’ll be hard to progress the story.

“We live in the same house, sleep in my bed, shop together, and even did labor together.”

“If you even did labor together, there’s no room for excuses. It’s certain that you are in a relationship.”

Nehru nodded. The Captain, hearing this news for the first time, widened her eyes in disbelief.

｢?! Am I in a relationship without even knowing it myself…?!｣

Why are you the one confused? Don’t be like that. You, of all people, should know it’s fake news.

Amidst this, Nehru, stricken with her occupational hazard, pretended to write with a straw and asked.

“To think you are seriously dating the Captain…Is this perhaps the information Darling wanted to tell me?”

“Yes. Good news should be spread far and wide, shouldn’t it?’

“What nonsense. It’s probably because you need guests.”

“What use is there in guests? Just give me congratulatory money.”

With a Plop, the straw dropped. With wonder and admiration, Nehru rolled her hands like a cat and put them to her mouth.

Cat beastkin, being part human, lacked fur on their hands and feet, but her posture was as graceful as any cat’s

“…Hohhh. Are you even considering marriage? Well you’re already cohabiting, to be fair.”

｢Cohabiting?! Marriage?! I-I’m not mentally or emotionally prepared yet…!｣

Preparation? Preparation, my ass. What are you saying? Stop making strange preparations and just refute it already.

-Negative! Your statement is a false testimony, as well as a ridicule towards me!”

I thought the Captain would jump in displeasure, shouting like that, but why was she just standing there stiffly? If you don’t deny it, the fake news will seem real!

“…Hmmm. Are you two actually dating? You don’t really seem familiar with each other.”

Finally, someone senses something amiss.

Phew, what a relief. That’s right. As long as you, at the very least, are sane, I can avert this fake news crisi….

｢Heh, looking at her now, the Captain seems quite cute. Maybe she is awkward with the opposite sex due to being in the military? For the sake of a better story, I should give her a little push.｣

Did you learn to push things teetering on the edge of a cliff from your ancestors, you 1/8 of a cat? How can your actions be so annoying and detestable?

“Since you two lived together, you must know the number of moles on each other’s bodies right?”

“…Moles?!”

The Captain, overwhelmed with embarrassment, was unable to give a properly articulated response. It felt as though a lamp had been lit inside her, radiating heat.

Military State, you jerks. Because you treated people like machines, they actually became machines! Just look at her! She’s broken because she overheated.

Ah, forget it. Anyway, bad Military State. Bad.

Nehru winked at me with a proud smile.

｢Hoohoo. By giving them a little push like this, they’ll be so conscious of the number of moles on each other’s bodies tonight, they won’t be able to stand it. How about it? Was I helpful, Magician?｣

Don’t make me laugh, you dumbass. Why would I care about the number of moles? I already know how many she has.

I briefly recalled a past memory.

“No need. I already know. There are five.”

“?! Negative! No, Affirmative, but ethically Negative! How do you know that information?!”

Oopsies.

“Hmm. You’ve already seen all there is to see of each other.”

“N-N-Nega, Negative! And I only have 4 moles!”

“There was one behind your shoulder, though. Did you count that one?”

“Then five is corre…How do you know that information?!”

“Ah oops, it’s confidential.”

“U-Unlawful! Illegal! Your behavior and conduct is improper!”

The Captain, who was about to confront me, forgot that she was sitting on my lap and moved too abruptly. Because of this, she jolted forward, leaning uncontrollably, and ended up embracing each other.

Was this what blanched grass smelled like? Her hot body and flushed face were clinging tightly to me. The warmth that could be felt even through the stiff uniform enveloped my body.

Iyaaaa, wow. Just one of these would keep someone warm even in winter.

…Hm. This is a bit dangerous, though.

“Oh my. Look at you. How nice. You two…are comfortable enough to have physical displays of affection in broad dayli….”

“Stop! Halt! Erase that!”

At some point in time, Nehru, having caught a scoop, had whipped out her notebook and was already writing the article. She didn’t even pay mind to the Captain’s command.

“…Number of…moles is…five…A relationship…that grips…and traces…constellations…on each other’s…bodies.”

“I have neither gripped nor traced! Forget this matter! It is confidential!”

“The number of…moles…on the Captain’s body…is confidential military information….”

“Negative! It is not confidential, it is just a secret! It is my private life! Stop right this instan…!”

The Captain, perhaps overheated with embarrassment, flailed her arms and almost fell to the ground. I quickly grabbed her shoulder and pulled her back. Her face bumped into my chest.

When she was pulled into this embrace, the Captain let out a muffled sound.

“Ah, ooh, ah.”

She really must be broken. What should I do?

The only person who was thrilled in this situation was Nehru. As a skilled paparazzi, she showed no signs of embarrassment or shame while observing us, and after completing the draft of her article, she tore the page out and hid it in her thigh belt.

“Great. The interview is over. Thanks for your cooperation, Darling.”

“This is all your fault.”

“Sorry. As an apology, I’ll take care of the bill for this drink.”

Hello? You said you wanted to listen to what the Taboo is, right? The conversation isn’t over yet.

As much as they were a union of beastkin, Family was the most powerful organization in terms of administrative and informational capability. I was planning to leak suitable information to them and move them at will when necessary.

“Don’t worry, Darling. I understand why Darling said these things.”

Yes. Thank you. So you do understand.

After all, from the middle of this fiasco, you were enjoying the Captain’s reactions. Since you figured out my intentions, I’ll arrange to meet again lat….

｢Since Darling now has a precious person to protect, he is probably implying that I shouldn’t ask about this further and trust in him to solve the situation. Hoohoo, even the peerless, unequaled Magician is quite the romanticist, huh?｣

Why is your head filled only with pretense and gossip? Why are you so excited about someone else’s love story (fabrication)? Did you enter some sort of third-person observer mating season?

｢Anyway, since Darling showed me your woman, we should show some sincerity too. Yes, I don’t know what you’re planning, but I’ll play along with your puppet show, Magician. Just like the day of the Mass Pickpocket Festival.｣

It’s encouraging that you’ll do as told without further questions, but what a misunderstanding to have….

Hoo, whatever. However the process was, the outcome is good, so it’s fine. It’s the best result for me, after all.

As Nehru was about to stand up from her seat, she suddenly asked.

“…Ah, Darling. We shouldn’t disclose the Captain’s affiliation or identity, right?”

The Captain momentarily shivered. Even though she was already in my embrace, she burrowed deeper into me at those words, as if wanting to hide her identity.

Since the answer was already decided, I quickly shook my head.

“Don’t investigate further. Not even a background check. This alone is enough for a story, isn’t it?”

“What if we poke around just a bit more?”

Look at her prodding persistently. I replied with a refreshing smile.

“One of the two will have to die.”

It was a stark truth. After all, the moment it was known that the Captain was a signaller, in principle, either the Captain or you would have to die.

At such words, Nehru swallowed dryly and nodded.

“Don’t worry, Darling. I’ll make sure to keep the Captain’s identity a secret.”

｢It seems I really shouldn’t meddle. If the Magician is asserting to this extent, that means any sort of prodding would not end prettily for him….｣

Huh? Wait, I’m not talking about me. I’m talking about you two. You and the Captain.

I’m telling you one of you two will die, okay? Why are you thrusting me into this life-and-death seesaw?

｢Hold on. So that means we were trying to probe the Magician’s woman….Umm, for the time being, I should tell Family to not accept anything he Magician gives. Who knows what he might do if he snaps.｣

Now you get it.

Speaking of which. I addressed Nehru, who was pulling out her wallet.

“…You’re not going to use my real name, are you?”

“Of course not. A good story should be saved, after all…Do you have any requests or options you want me to put in?”

“Write that I was a top student, a brilliant mind named Huey who consistently ranked first in his entire middle school.”

“Noted. Okay, thanks, Darling.”

Nehru swayed her tail as she walked away. Perhaps because she was uplifted by the fact that I, too, had a weakness, her steps were boundlessly light and cheerful.

It was a complete misunderstanding, but there was no need to correct it. Provoking misunderstandings could be a rather good buildup.

At any rate…

“….”

What should I do with the Captain, who was silently holding onto my collar? I couldn’t even hear her breathing. I did manage to embarrass her, but instead of home, it seemed like I had sent her to quite an odd place.

…Let’s go home for now.